I Need Some Space

It’s funny how people often say that when they breakup, instead of just saying that the relationship isn’t working anymore, stating why, and just breaking it off more honestly. I’ve always found that phrase kind of odd, but in some ways I definitely understand it, although in a much different context, and with a completely different meaning.

I prefer that people give me plenty of space in my personal life, physically and emotionally, I don’t want people hovering over me. I don’t have a favorite seat that I won’t let people sit in, but I definitely understand the fictional Sheldon wanting people to stay out of his bedroom, I’m the same way.

Stay out of my room, stay out of my car, unless you happen to be riding with me in it for some reason (don’t just randomly get into it, if you need something out of it, I’ll get it), and for crying out, don’t stand right on top of me. I like my personal space, and there are certain places that should just be mine to be in. I don’t take very kindly to personal space invaders.

I’ve noticed how much of a difference it makes when I’m allowed to have my space after spending two nights at the house I am rebuilding. I don’t know what mom’s big rush for me to move in there was all about, the siding isn’t completely done yet, the fence isn’t done, and a heating and cooling company is going to be looking into why the furnace doesn’t work on Monday (hooray, another bill! lol)

After all, she’s the one that for 5 years was hell bent on forcing me to stay in her house, barricading me in a room at one point when I tried to leave. “But you didn’t have a plan, where were you going to live, how were you going to have any money?” she said as her excuse for forcing me to stay then (and still stands by those excuses to this day).

Hmm….. Let’s see, why didn’t I have that plan again? Yes, that’s right, it was because you wouldn’t let me work, and I didn’t hardly have the time for it anyway because you kept pushing me to go to a local community college that I had already proven to you in many different ways that it was a complete scam, but you kept denying it (I think she knew all along, but it was a convenient way to tie me down), so I couldn’t have a job, money, or a place to go, and you would have gotten in the way of any plan I had to try to leave anyway. Does that about cover it?

Anyway, the interior of the house is done, and since I have spent the last two nights over there, I’ve noticed that I’m much more awake in the mornings than I used to be, and more relaxed. That helps me out in so many different ways.

My memory completely shatters into pieces, and my cognitive abilities are cut in about half of what they normally are when I’m extremely stressed or tired. 

My co-workers are still hassling me about leaving my keys in the ignition with the car running last week during one of those ultra stressed days. I was glad that Edwardsville’s police department came and unlocked it, otherwise I would have been utterly screwed, I could have called emergency roadside service through my insurance, but the insurance cards and phone number for my insurance were in the car….

Now that I actually have space to myself, I feel better, and have more time. My mom and dad have absolutely no concept or understanding of  the term personal space, (or for that matter, boundaries). My dad, as I have talked about before, due to mental health issues, is incredibly obsessive and hyper (my mom thinks it’s funny, but he hates it when I hassle him that the TV character Adrian Monk is his brother).

This Is How I Feel Sometimes

There's a reason I go by Sheldon Cooper on this blog and on Google +.

Even though I don't share his often arrogant attitude towards other people, I see a lot of myself in him, there's many habits that I have because of my mind and my (ahem) peculiar past that many people don't understand. One aspect of his life that I see so often in myself is his inability to understand and relate to people, and the frustration that accompanies that  For a good example of this, I'm linking to the CBS website, to an episode from his season called the "The 43 Peculiarity".

I regret that there's no way that I can post it directly to the blog, you must click the link, I can't find it on YouTube. In this episode, Howard and Raj can not figure out why Sheldon keeps going down to a storage room in the basement of the university that they work for during lunch hour for 20 minutes every day. They get into the storage room, and see a chalkboard with the number 43 in there, and some assorted items in storage, they keep trying to figure out what he is doing, and even go to the extreme of planting a web cam in the room to record during the lunch hour.

It's rather hilarious what he is actually doing down there, and I won't spoil the surprise, watch the episode, but in his frustration in their inability to leave him alone, and quit questioning about what he is doing in the basement room, he says something that really hits me, a feeling that I can really identify with, though some of his statement doesn't apply to me, and some of it you may not understand unless you are familiar with the character. Wait for the ads, the skip ahead to the 19:30 mark. Here's what he said, if you are unable to view the video for some reason:

"You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating everyday life. Understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I would like too.... It's exhausting, which is why, for 20 minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off, and do what I need to do to recharge" 

When I first saw that episode several weeks ago, that scene, and Sheldon's statement really spoke to me . Though I'm not arrogant like he can be (and I'm not obsessed with trains, either), I can identify in so many ways. It's hard for me to understand people in real life, tone of voice and body language are often little more than distractions to me, unlike most people, they don't add anything to the context of what someone is saying. If someone is saying something that is meant to be a joke or sarcasm of some sort, I may not always catch it, especially if as some of my co-workers who know me well like to do, say it with a flat, serious tone of voice and a straight face. That is absolutely frustrating as hell....

There's so many minor, unspoken rules in life that most people take for granted that I take me a long time to learn, if I can figure them out at all. It's frustrating to know that I've offended people somehow, and I don't have a damn clue why. One habit I found was frustrating people was my tendency to start pacing without even realizing it. People either find it confusing/distracting or get angry because they take it as a sign of impatience. I didn't know that for the longest time, and I couldn't figure out why people were being so hostile for what I thought was no apparent reason.

Sometimes, like Sheldon in that episode, I just want to be alone too and forget about the world for a moment, it's hard trying to constantly figure out people, and think through what most people do unconsciously, and deal with their expectations that I somehow automatically know the "proper" rules and habit of how people supposedly should act in the most minor, unimportant details of everyday life.

It's why I love the internet so much, people can't see me, and there's no additional subconscious additions to what people are saying, such as body language, and tone of voice, and emotional context.

It's just text, simple, glorious text, that stand on it's own, and speaks for itself. I can understand people, and they can understand me just fine, for once in my life, it's liberating. I think it's why I've had had little success I have had in blogging, finally, I can be me, and express myself in a way that people can understand and enjoy.

It's wonderful.....

(This is my way of showing my excitement, nothing shows celebration better than fireworks, right?) :)