This Is How I Feel Sometimes.
Many people have said that it sounds more like high functioning autism/Aspberger's syndrome than OCD. The short answer to that question I don't really know.
I have researched both disorders quite extensively, read the blogs of people living with both, and I've even spent time reading through the forums at the popular autism support site Wrong Planet, many of the stories of people, and their frustrations to some extent, sound like I could have wrote those post. The irony of the site's name isn't lost on me either, I've felt sometimes like I was born onto the wrong planet.
You see, I haven't been to a psychiatrist before, and I haven't been formally tested. I know I really shouldn't be saying anything about what I have until I finally do, but there's many reasons why I haven't gone ahead and been formally diagnosed.
I really don't know what it would accomplish. What am I looking for?
In some ways, I've already come to terms with who I am, and I really don't know what I would be hoping this would accomplish. In many ways, if the tests come out as I expect, saying that I am either OCD or high functioning autistic, it's not as though I didn't know that already. Would I really gain anything by finding out for sure?
Am I still having some lingering doubts/guilt from my past?
As I talked about in my two part guest series on My Secret Atheist Blog, I grew up in a household that was, (how should I put this politely?) unenlightened about mental illness and psychiatry. I was told after a nervous breakdown that the resulting depression and anxiety attacks were nothing more than simply "guilt" and that if I got back into what their idea of what was a "right relationship with god" then everything would change.
Of course now, I know that's nothing but pure ignorance, mental illnesses are caused primarily by biological factors, but even though one may consciously know this, it can sink deep into the mind, I wonder if this is part of my apprehension.
Am I just merely making excuses? Do I need to just let it all go, and do it anyway?
These are the questions I keep pondering over....