Right now, I'm at a better place in life then I ever have been. I own my own house, I have a great (although clingy) dog, my parents are out of my life, I stood up to the pastor at the creepy church I was at while still hiding my true identity, I'm in a great Unitarian church now, and I'm free to listen to what I want, wear what I want, and figure out who I am.
The blog has been successful, averaging around 3,000 readers a week, and I've been published by some great major sites like Homeschoolers Anonymous and The Wartburg Watch in the past. I've also been told that a loan I applied for to have work done on my house has been approved, and I have an appraiser coming over tomorrow as a part of the process.
I've had a lot of successes, but there are times that I get a horrible case of the "What ifs?", especially when I look at the people I know from Homeschoolers Anonymous from Facebook, and what they have managed to accomplish in their lives, people who have graduate degrees, happy relationships with spouses/partners, etc.
What if I hadn't been so isolated as a homeschooler and actually knew how to relate to people well now?? What if my mother would have actually been a good person, and had gotten me help for my depression instead of saying it was "guilt/not having a right relationship with god"? What more could I have gotten done in life by now had she just disowned me instead of threatening me with violence to stay, and forcing me to go to a college she certainly knew was a scam?
My life could have been so much different, and better had the circumstances been different, but I can't dwell on that, there's no good that can come from going down that depressing trail, other than working to try to make sure that no one else has to go through that kind of life I did, trying to bring attention to abusive groups and ideologies.
I can't change what happened, but I can look forward to the future, to things I can experience now, and there is so much that I need to get out there and experience, I've already had some new experiences with the Unitarian church, I've loved it, it was a completely new environment for me, and a welcome relief from the churches of my past. I've also loved volunteering for an animal shelter.
There's so much more that I still have yet to experience in this world, though, and sometimes I don't even know where I should begin in exploring the world around me. I know there's a few things I want to do, it would be amazing if I could ever get the chance to see a concert by a great group like Bad Religion or Rammstein.
I know that I want to live somewhere other than Granite City in the near future, and that I really want to start a new relationship, my first post fundamentalism, as for anything else, I'm kind of out of ideas.
It feels so liberating to finally be myself now, but I wondering where do I go from here?
The blog has been successful, averaging around 3,000 readers a week, and I've been published by some great major sites like Homeschoolers Anonymous and The Wartburg Watch in the past. I've also been told that a loan I applied for to have work done on my house has been approved, and I have an appraiser coming over tomorrow as a part of the process.
I've had a lot of successes, but there are times that I get a horrible case of the "What ifs?", especially when I look at the people I know from Homeschoolers Anonymous from Facebook, and what they have managed to accomplish in their lives, people who have graduate degrees, happy relationships with spouses/partners, etc.
My life could have been so much different, and better had the circumstances been different, but I can't dwell on that, there's no good that can come from going down that depressing trail, other than working to try to make sure that no one else has to go through that kind of life I did, trying to bring attention to abusive groups and ideologies.
I can't change what happened, but I can look forward to the future, to things I can experience now, and there is so much that I need to get out there and experience, I've already had some new experiences with the Unitarian church, I've loved it, it was a completely new environment for me, and a welcome relief from the churches of my past. I've also loved volunteering for an animal shelter.
I know that I want to live somewhere other than Granite City in the near future, and that I really want to start a new relationship, my first post fundamentalism, as for anything else, I'm kind of out of ideas.
It feels so liberating to finally be myself now, but I wondering where do I go from here?
You have accomplished quite a bit, and I don't think I am alone in being proud of all you have been able to do...
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
DeleteI'm impressed at everything you've done. :) We can't compare people's stories. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI suppose I can't really...
DeleteThanks.
Sheldon, its always a problem when you look at other people and compare lives. The thing you need to do is realize how far you have come and how much you have achieved. Just reading this post in a week from now will bring that into perspective. Keep fighting the good fight :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's an awful habit that I need to stop.
Delete