Friday, January 18, 2013

Evangelicals are Excited that Science is Wrong Again!

Andromeda or just another satanic trick?

Milky Way Galaxy May be Less Massive than Originally Thought, and Evangelicals are Exuberant

Antioch, Arkansas New research from the University of California  suggests that  the Milky Way Galaxy may possess substantially less mass than  previously thought.  The Scientific School  for Theologically Universal Presuppositional Intellectual Discoveries (SSTUPID) immediately issued a policy statement regarding this dramatic  change in secular scientific dogma. Here is their statement in its entirety.

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Science has once again proven itself just another error prone, sin-based mistake Man has made. Man’s scientific system thought that the Milky Way had much more stuff in it, and now due to recent findings everything is up in the air.  Black is white,  cats are chasing dogs, and the mass of  our galaxy is now only  500 billion  to a trillion times that of our own sun. Next thing they’ll tell you will be that galaxies don’t even exist and we’re all just hanging around the Waffle House on a Sunday.



God doesn’t change. God’s inerrant word does not change. While science changes its opinions, God is as constant as the Northern Star. The Bible clearly states what our world is truly like. These are the visions I saw while lying in bed: I looked, and there before me stood a tree in the middle of the land. Its height was enormous. The tree grew large and strong and its top touched the sky; it was visible to the ends of the earth. Daniel 4: 10-11  Right there Daniel is telling us that if you are high enough off the surface, then you can see ALL the earth. The world has to be flat. The secular-industrial complex wants to believe that the world is round, but  think about it: If they can’t get the mass of the Milky Way Galaxy right, how long is it gonna be until they “discover” that the planet is flat? The good book also dispels the nonsense of  of the heliocentrified theorized solar system. On the day the LORD gave the Amorites over to Israel, Joshua said to the LORD in the presence of Israel: "O sun, stand still over Gibeon, O moon, over the Valley of Aijalon." Joshua  10:12  The Lord told the sun to stop, and not the planet to stop turning. How can you trust a theory when it cuts against the grain of God’s eternal word?

My friends who are reading this, do not let your child or grandchild fall  prey to false scientific teaching and place their soul in jeopardy. For a small monthly charge SSTUPID will provide you with all the materials necessary to educate your child in a traditional Christian manner.

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The researchers at the University of California retorted that if there were any evidence that our planet is flat or that the Sun circles our planet, then they would adjust their views accordingly. SSTUPID sent them a thank you note since the scientists just made their point for them.





Sheldon's note: The preceding post was a guest post from the brilliant satire blogger Andrew Hall, check out his blog, Laughing In Purgatory. You can also connect with him on social media, add him to circles on Google +, or follow him on Twitter, @LaughPurgatory.

You can also write a guest post of your own for my blog, read my submission guidelines, and if you are interested, you can also check out past guest posts as well. Send guest post submissions to ramblingsofsheldon@gmail.com.

8 comments:

  1. Hilarious. Also sad, because this is way closer to reality than it should be.

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    Replies
    1. That's exactly how I often feel both about his writing, and The Onion.

      Delete
  2. Andrew's sarcasm strikes me as spot on. I've heard those arguments in their essence before -- but delivered seriously. Good work!

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    Replies
    1. Unfortunately, I've heard those arguments given in a serious manner, too.

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  3. When Science shows we were wrong before,
    it means we are now more right than ever.

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  4. Good one, Andy! Hey, doesn't the Waffle House deserve its own galaxy?

    ReplyDelete

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