Monday, March 18, 2013

Guest Post: 20 Things God Wants You To Know About Him

 Yahweh, Lord Almighty, took a few minutes out of his busy day and compiled this list so that you can worship Him that much better:

1. I hate the gays, but love their porn.
2. Jesus, I think he could’ve done better while he was on Earth. Maybe more card tricks.
3. I hate Chik-fil A. Their food is terrible.

5. I’m a compulsive cleaner (the real reason for The Flood).

 6. Yes, I could’ve come up with a better plan for liberating the Jews from Egypt.
7. My greatest regret is giving people my direct line. All you bastards want is to win the lottery, Notre Dame to win the Big Dance, be cured of cancer, etc, etc, etc…

8. My greatest wish is to get more followers on Facebook. That’s why you see so many people pimp me there.
9. #1 food? Steak and kidney pie. There is something about bad tasting English food made from guts that does it for me. Mmmmm… good!
10. People ask me for advice, I like to give contradictory answers because they need to have faith.

11. I like giving people straight forward advice.
12. If I had to do it all over again, I’d give myself two days off.
13. When you’re masturbating I look.  A lot.

14. I love watching The Walking Dead. I see a lot of myself in The Governor.
15. I don’t cause natural disasters. However, I do not not cause them either.
16. My favorite movie is Triumph of the Will. Call me a sucker for nostalgia.
17. Pray to me. I may not try, but I’ll say I’ll try to try.
18. Talking snake? Some people believe all types of crazy shit.
19. My favorite holiday? St. Crispin’s Day. (BTW, my fave Shakespeare play is Henry V.)
20. I’m not a pedophile, but some of my best friends are.

The preceding guest post was written by satire blogger Andrew Hall of  Laughing In Purgatory. Check out his blog, and follow him on social media, he is on Google +, Twitter (@LaughPurgatory), and Facebook.


  1. One other thing -- you know why God is always asking for tithes from churchgoers? He owes me money! Hey Yahweh, don't forget who helped you out with that gambling debt, bro! I want my money.

  2. This isn't even funny. Don't quit your day job.

    1. Does the truth hit a little too close to home, fundie? ;)

  3. Is it my imagination, or is #4 missing? If so, here's a suggestion: "Apparently, I don't know anything about microbes."

    1. Thanks, Mark Joseph, apparently I did miss #4 when I copy/pasted it from the message that Andrew sent me.


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