I Think That Most Fundamentalist Parents Can Change

I've been spending more time on Twitter than I used too, and spending a lot of time getting involved in the joking around that goes on there, and some of the debates that go on there.

Lately in the former homeschooler circles that I am in there on Twitter, there's been a lot of debate going on about whether parents in the fundamentalist home school culture can change (for now on, I'll abbreviate it in this post as FHS culture), and whether we should continue dialogue with FHS culture parents online (here's one of the debates that went on recently).

The dispute has been coming up because in October Ryan Stollar of Homeschoolers Anonymous published a guest post from fundamentalist blogger/TLC reality show star Chris Jeub. Ever since then, Chris Jeub has been trying to have conversations with many of us on Twitter. It seems like he is sincerely curious as to why many of us left the culture, but he can't quite understand us, or why he left.

The conversation started on Twitter, and has made it's way to Homeschoolers Anonymous. I'll present both sides of the debate before giving my thoughts:

There can't be any dialogue with fundamentalist parents until they decide to change:

Sarah Jones, of the blog Anthony B. Susan and activist for Americans United for Separation of Church and State, is one the side of of not continuing the dialogue, here's a few of her arguments from Twitter:

My Advice on How to Cope with the Outside World Post-Fundamentalism

Recently, I ran across a post from Lana Hope of Wide Open Ground about  her struggles in trying to deal with the outside world. Here’s an excerpt:

When I write about cultural disconnect or socialization problems, I am not just talking about some short painful period after high school, where I went to college, experienced intense culture shock, and then got over myself and became a regular adult. If only that were true.

I am bombarded weekly with mainstream cultural references and ideas, and 90 times out of 100, it’s met with a blank “What The Heck Are You Saying?” from me. In other words, my childhood stabs me in the back, constantly.

She then goes on to talk about an incident with a neighbor where the neighbor mentioned the fact that the 70’s band, the Eagles, grew up in a town not far from her hometown, and the neighbor’s astonishment at the fact that she didn’t realize who the Eagles were.

Reading the entire post, I just wanted to reach through the computer screen and hug her (though I don’t know if she would be comfortable with that, lol). I’ve been there, it makes you feel like an idiot sometimes when you don’t know what someone else is talking about, or makes you feel so disconnected and out of touch from everything around you. I’ve had a double dose of that feeling, both because of my fundamentalist upbringing, and the way that my mind works, it can make communication with people in person difficult enough, then to throw in the cultural disconnect makes it far worse.

There is so much that you miss out on being so isolated from the outside world, and it can be embarrassing sometimes to now know what someone is talking about, my biggest problem was the lack of proper sexual education in an environment like that, it’s embarrassing to say that I wasn’t even familiar with what masturbation was until I was 18 years old.

I’m sure that are more people out there who are dealing with this right now, and though I’m definitely not the shining example of fitting into society, but here’s a few things that I have learned, and maybe, I hope that it will be able to help others who are dealing with this same problem. Here’s my biggest tips on trying to adjust:

When trying to learn about modern music, to better understand its influence on culture, YouTube is your best friend.

Just immerse yourself into music, dive into it. It’s especially important to familiarize yourself with classic rock, because it has had quite a bit of influence on American culture, especially among people from the baby boomer generation. YouTube now has entire albums and full concert recordings up on the site. Get familiar with groups like AC/DC, the Rolling Stones, and yes, even the Eagles. You will be surprised just how much their music influences various cultural references.

What an Assembly Line Job Taught Me About Life.

Lana Hope of the blog Wide Open Ground published a guest post I sent her while I was away working on my house early this week. Something I have never talked about before on this blog is the fact that for about 2 years off and on, I worked for a temp company doing product packaging for P&G and Unilever. Have you ever seen those shrink wrapped two bottle packs of Febreeze canisters in stores with the little cardboard "boot" at the bottom of them that look like the picture at your left in stores? I used to make those, and many other different types of packages and even pallet sized display cases.

It was a wild ride working for that temp company, because the company would hire any adult that came in, felons/addicts, illegal immigrants, and just everyday people who were desperate for work (this was during and shortly after the 2008 financial collapse in the US).

Why This Millennial Gave Up on Christianity.

It’s been far too long since I have wrote a guest post for another blog. Some time ago, I had talked to the great blogger Lana Hobbs about writing a guest post, but I never got around to writing it, and it kept irritating me that I didn’t have the time. I never like to say that I am going to do something for another person, and then not do it, even if it’s circumstances that are beyond my control.

I finally finished the planned guest post last week, and Lana has posted it today. I was inspired to write my guest post after reading a much talked about post on CNN’s website by Rachel Held Evans about why people of the millenial generation are leaving churches. I saw quite a few responses to that posts from bloggers in the Christian establishment, former Christians, and young Christians struggling with their faith.

I felt like saying what I felt about the whole issue. It’s a different post from some of my more recent posts, I was in a somewhat frustrated mood when I wrote it last week, and it’s a departure from my recent posts, where I have tried to be more positive or self reflective, (but sometimes I don’t quite make it).

It’s more of a blunt, honest look at my frustrations with Christianity, and issues with Christian theology and church culture. Make sure to read the post, Why This Millenial Left Christianity on Lana Hobb’s blog.

Many of my issues were with how the teachings of a loving, merciful god common in modern Christianity didn’t reconcile with what I saw in the Bible, and in the world around me, it’s an issue that leads quite a few people to doubt fundamentalist Christianity. If you want another perspective on this, check out a recent post from another blogger named Lana, Lana Hope of Wide Open Ground titled "We Failed Her, We Didn’t Tell Her About Jesus".

Shopping for a Good Cause and Dealing with Societal Expectations

I had heard from a neighbor about the "ReStores" ran by the charitable organization Habitat for Humanity where they sell building materials that have been donated in order to raise funds for their mission of building homes for people in need.

I needed some supplies, including an exterior door and a window, so I went with the family, first to one of these stores in the historic district of Collinsville, about 10 miles away, and then to a larger store of theirs in the Central West End district of St. Louis, just blocks from St. Louis University.

I did find a good deal of what I needed, for a rather reasonable price, and it was good to know that the money was going to a good organization (The St. Louis store says that their chapter has built 325 homes in the city of St. Louis), but there was something that happened that rather annoyed me when I was there.

As usual, my mom and dad were talking to the cashier about rebuilding the house, and how there won’t be a mortgage on it, since I paid cash for it (though I owe her money for some of the rebuilding of it), and most people find it incredible that I saved up that much money. The cashier, though, said something that really got to me: “you have a house, then next will be kids, right?”. My mom agreed, but said one of her favorite phrases “…but there needs be a good, godly wife first”.

Never mind that awful “good godly wife” comment, but why does everyone feel they have the right to make decisions for my life, but I don’t? Why do people have such expectations for me to follow the normal American formula for life? Get a solid job, get a house, get married (spouse must be opposite gender of course!), and have 3 or 4 kids.

Guest Post: Breaking Free from Fundamentalism

Today's post is a guest post from Lana of the blog Wide Open Ground. She successfully broke free from her fundamentalist family, who were followers of IFB cult leader Bill Gothard.

She is now a liberal Christian, (a self-described Christian universalist), and a missionary in Southeast Asia.

She writes about her childhood and experiences now in her blog, Wide Open Ground, and she is also now a contributing writer to the wildly successful blog project, Homeschoolers Anonymous, which is a collaborative project where former fundamentalists like us are given a chance to talk about our homeschooling past.

I had asked her recently if she would like to talk about what her advice would be for young adults who are trying to break free from a fundamentalist background, which is something that has been on my mind lately, since I will be coming out to the people around me sometime in the near future. This is her story, and her advice. She said that she wrote this young adults in mind, people who are just starting out their adult lives. If someone is a teen, well of course, this wouldn't work. Short of there being physical/sexual abuse in the home, where local authorities can get involved, there's not much a teen could do if stuck in a fundamentalist home. (Sometimes, it does occur in fundamentalist households).

I came from a fundamental Christian background. I was homeschooled for 12 years, and my family was members of ATI, a fundamentalist group led by Bill Gothard. I grew up in a vacuum, believing that public schools were synagogues of Satan and the teachers were its priests. After elementary school I had only a couple of friends, none of which were from public schools. I wore mostly dresses, never watched TV and never listened to any kind of contemporary Christian music.

Today I’m out of it all and overall thriving. If you are leaving fundamentalism, let me encourage you that it does get better. Here are a few little tips on leaving, and then you can comment and add to the list.
First, admit that fundamentalism damaged you. Oddly, this has been hard for me. See my family was also dysfunctional, so at first I thought my struggles were only a result of childhood hurts. It’s true that my family was dysfunctional, and it’s true my parents hurt me, but let’s not underestimate the kind of damage that social isolation and a gendered childhood did to me as well. If you are leaving fundamentalism, be prepared for everyone to tell you your problem is either in your head, or it’s just your family. Ignore them. 

My Thanks to the Readers of The Wartburg Watch for their Words of Support

I recently had a guest post published on the Christian website The Wartburg Watch, they titled it Easter Church Attendance and a Story of the Loss of Faith. The writers of TWW have always extended open arms to anyone who has been struggling with their faith, or even given it up altogether. 

 It's become a kind of refuge for people who have been harmed by extremist and even downright abusive churches, and when I went back to read some of the comments left on my guest post, I was floored by the outpouring of support from people who are their regular readers, here's a few of their comments:

From reader "Anon 1":

I just want to reach out and hug Sheldon. There is nothing in this world more devastating than realizing you have very little in common with your family or entire childhood support system.

From "Hoppy the toad"

Sheldon,

I’m sorry about your experiences. I sadly have to agree that most Christians either gloss over, or don’t really read much of the Old Testament laws. I too, struggle with trying to understand apparent commands for women to marry their rapists, especially since rape was also a death penalty offense. I am inclined to think that there is something we are missing in context (or translation) and that the women ordered to marry their “rapists” were perhaps women really being ordered to marry their seducers. Whether there is good evidence for this, I don’t know, but it’s something to consider.
Anyway, too many believers gloss over issues like these and it’s a turn-off to both unbelievers and those struggling with their faith. There is a real problem with intellectual dishonesty, cognitive dissonance, and just shallowness of Biblical knowledge in the church.

Now It's My Turn to be Interviewed......

Recently, I interviewed Lana of the blog Wide Open Ground about her beliefs now as a Christian universalist (she is currently a missionary in Southeast Asia) and about her past as a cult survivor, growing up in the Bill Gothard branch of the Independent Fundamental Baptist organization.



It was a great experience, and it went over very well with you, my blog readers (it was one of the most read posts in the history of the blog).

Now the tables have turned. Lana decided to interview me about my past, the ACE curriculum and fundamentalist childhood, my de-conversion, and my beliefs now, both on religion as well as politics. Read the interview at her blog, Wide Open Ground. It is titled: Life During and After Fundamentalism: Sheldon's Story.

If you want to write a guest post for my blog (read my submission guidelines first), or you are a blogger who would like to do a Q&A interview, let me know at ramblingsofsheldon (at) gmail (dot) com, and I will get in contact with you.

Serious inquires only please, and no spam requests (don't ask me to promote your web design business for example), those will be ignored, period.